Im Signing It

Mood: Depressed.. sarcastic... and uncertain


Sometimes I just made an ass out of myself.. I guess.. I always say the wrong things to people or my friends. Sometimes.. with my bloody jokes that I don't really meant truthfully I tend to hurt others... yuck... but when I'm depressed.. that's what you get from me.. so sorry in advance.. next time you hear me blabber or say something that hurts you.. forget it.. I really don't mean it..

Anyway... I just watched Portugal's match against Czech.. Portugal won. Yay... I love CR's goal. damn smart.. but CR's just getting more and more arrogant don't you think? he's good and cute and all but last time he was sweet you can tell when he scored he didn't taunt or show exaggeratingly proud arrogant face.. haih.. where's my old hubby la?? nowaday's fuhh.. when he scored his wonderful goal.. there he goes... sickeningly annoying but yet oh-so-charming...

OK2... I'm drifting away already I see... today precisely about 9 hours from now I'm heading to Tanjung Lumpur to sign the contract for biasiswa kecemerlangan Menteri Besar.. there's no turning back.. since still there's no news from UEM.. I've called them on Monday and the officer said they'll be holding a board meeting at the end of the week.. and the interview went a long long way back... only now they're holding the meeting.. I guess they'll only be sponsoring 3 person this year instead of the usual 4 or the 'hope-so' 10. I understand the fate of those going overseas all lies on the price of a bloody barrel of crude oil... or so called black diamond I see...

Anyway.. wish me all the best.. ACCA will be tough.. I keep hearing that and thinking about it over and over again but deep down inside I know thinking it's tough will only make it tougher.. No matter what or how people 'try' to comfort me.. they still won't understand it.. It's my future I'm talking about..

But it's a good thing I made the decision the hard way and started off we've something I never expect. To be honest, the way I started college, no it's not how I want it to be. But then again, as I took a shower in the middle of the night I remembered how I started my secondary school. I was frustrated I didn't get boarding school... and I got a school that I chose after resolving to the thought I won't go to SBP. Then I'm thinking of staying with my dad in KL and go to the private school near my house where I should have started primary except that I moved to Kuantan.. it was frustrating..

But I guess I know myself.. I admit I can cry a bucket sorta like human water pipe... but most of the time I just do that to comfort myself or maybe crave for a piece of attention from my dear loved ones..lol forgive me but I'm the youngest in my family love the attention I'm getting but I hate crying because I'd be exhausted after some time.. But crying doesn't make me weak and it doesn't mean that I'm giving up. Most of the time I cried is to release anger or disappointment deep inside of me. But because of the anger and disappointment, I can be self-motivated at times even I myself expect that I'll breakdown and give up.. and with that strength I started high school and I must say what I've achieved in high school even though it's not that big to be proud of (I don't want to be like Cristiano Ronaldo here), it is way way waaaay better than my primary.

And I hope and pray that the same strength will be granted to me again after the frustration I'm facing now... I thought I did well enough but it seems that the chance and opportunities don't really belong to me.. Not everyone has the chance to have the best as in best school, best college, and then best unis, best jobs and such.. What we can do at least is saying that what we have is the best for us I guess.. but for me it's going to take some time.. please allow me some time.. please..

Hence, with this feeling of anger and disappointment, I gratefully at the same time indignantly declare war against the 'looser' syndrome and strive for my ACCA... and bid goodbye and goodluck for those leaving for overseas... with the farewell saying... I am not a loser.. I just want the best.. I wanna start my life after secondary on the 'best' path since I do not have that option when I started secondary.. which in my terms my most desirable path.. If I do not get to the best pre-u college, do not go to the best country for my course that I've set my own benchmark, I can resolved to go to one of the best acca tuition provider in the world.. even if it's local la.. that's what I told my dad though.. for him to give it a rest on the fact that I'm not going overseas..


See you rock...